Before My First Mothers Day

Mothers Day. This was such an exciting day growing up as we would celebrate my mom all day long. We would get flowers, make cards, and help dad plan a special day for her. It wasn't until I got married and started having a desire for a baby that I realized Mothers Day is a tough holiday for many. In fact, Mothers Day can be a super sad day for a lot of people and I'm not just referring to people that desire a baby but also people that have lost a mother. My mom lost her mother at a young age so for her, there has always been something missing.

Six months after we got married, I experienced my first Mothers Day from a different perspective. I can vividly remember thinking to myself, "I hope next year I get to celebrate this day as a mother or at least a mother-to-be." We knew we didn't want to wait long to have kids so this was a perfectly normal thought. Fast forward 12 months and here we are at Mothers Day again but this time, no baby and no bump. We were full force in to trying so I wasn't too upset but I can remember feeling a small void in my heart but I tried to remain positive as surely next year was my year.

365 days pass again and this time we had been trying for over a year and still nothing. I had just been referred to a fertility specialist and a high risk doctor. The high risk doctor told me it wasn't safe for me to get pregnant because of my Crohns and I knew that a baby wasn't anywhere in my near future. This was last year and it was the hardest day of the entire year.

I didn't want to go to church but I went anyways. I didn't want to watch all the mothers stand and be recognized when my heart was aching for a baby. I didn't want to hear one more person say "isn't it about time for yall to have kids". I didn't want to be on social media the entire day because I couldn't bare to see all the moms posting pictures of their babies or cute bump pictures or pregnancy announcements. In fact, I'm pretty sure I didn't even acknowledge my own mom on Facebook last year. I cried ALL DAY LONG. Craw can attest to this. I cried the entire church service. I cried at home while cooking lunch for my own mother. It was just a BAD day.

I made Craw promise to take me out of town the next year because I couldn't sit through one more Mothers Day. I love my mom and my mother-in-law but we had already planned to let them know we would be out of town. I just couldn't do it. Thankfully, we didn't have to because God had a perfect plan all along.

Last Mothers Day, adoption was not even on our radar. Craw had already told me we weren't adopting first. The high risk doctor had just told me that he didn't think it was wise for me to get pregnant right now so I legit thought all hope was lost. In fact, it was the first year where I didn't look ahead thinking maybe next Mother's Day I would have my baby because I realized it wasn't in the cards for us.

Here I am, 365 days later, with a perfect little boy that has let me and his daddy love him for 4 perfect months. In fact, if you do the math, his birth mama was already pregnant with him last mothers day and he was a little tiny thing growing in her belly. Our baby that God handpicked for us was already being formed while I sat in church bitter and crying and begging God to grant the desires of my heart. He was already intended for us by God an entire month before we answered God's call to adopt. How amazing is that?

All this to say, I have every single emotion running through me while thinking about my first Mothers Day. I'm excited because I can finally celebrate as a mama. I'm honored because God gave me the most perfect little boy. I'm thankful because God granted the biggest desire in my heart. I'm also sad because I know that there are so many women out there that want this exact same desire to be fulfilled. There are also women that have lost babies and children and this day is extremely painful for them. Then there are those women that are facing their 1st...or 10th...or 25th Mothers Day without their moms and that is something that is hard for me to fathom because I love my mom so very much.

This day is for all of us.

The moms that aren't moms yet. The moms that just became moms. The moms that have been moms for years. And the moms that are no longer with us.


This will be a memorable first Mothers Day for me and I'm so thankful that God saw fit for me to be Camden's mama.

1.